Why is it so hard to bring myself to communicate these days?

I am beginning to make plans to leave. Of course, as soon as I realize that I can leave whenever I want, I'm stunned still. I am sitting on the porch of Cafe Luna, it is 99 degrees and today the mood is one of slight disappointment, tempered with exhaustion and leavened with expectation. I can't remember either why I am disappointed or what I am expecting because it's too hot. So I sit here and try to decide whether I should leave in January or April. At this moment, I honestly can't decide which is better. I don't want to be here and turn 26. What if we're meant to work something out? Surely I should stay close by, just in case. I can't leave Vaughan's and Dani so soon as January. I don't want to be working for so long at the same place. I don't want to miss the possibility that something will happen. I don't want to break my lease. These are all negatives. So I want... to want something. To wear boots and a coat. To start myself over. To know for sure. To be learning something. To be able to walk at night. To have the time and ability and focus to read. The days go so slowly but the hours vanish.

I do not like people who refer to themselves as their pets' "Mommies" or "Daddies". Although, if we are honest, I am not overly fond of people with pets.

I am many negative things, but I do not think I am overly negative and right now I value that. Aaaah, now I remember why I am feeling disappointed. Yesterday I was disenchanted by two friends. It was an unpleasant and unsual experience (because I have superior friends). However, I am not unaware that at this moment I am personally letting down one grandmother, two brothers and three friends... and those are just the ones that I know of or am willing to admit to you.

It is not out of the realm of possibility that I will one day want to own or manage a restaurant or cafe. There are few places I like better and few things I like more than the sight of people enjoying themselves with other people in safety and comfort and warmth.